Is it cheating if you really don't remember you're married?
Grantland breakdowns are the best reason to watch.
From there, it's time to select an occupation. Contestants are discouraged from listing "aspiring actress" in their bios; seeing that in 26 chyrons would be both confusing and profoundly disillusioning for the viewer. Go big here: No job is too ambitious, too unbelievable. Sure, you're a JumboTron operator, why not? OK, "personal organizer," that's a totally valid thing for which you are paid money; we don't need to see the invoices for "inter-rack shoe redistribution services" and "walk-in closet imagineering." It's astounding to us that no one's picked "Lithuanian royalty"; producers have neither the time nor the desire to background-check aristocratic bloodlines.
4. Make a Big Entrance
When the limo pulls up to the mansion, you have approximately 10 seconds to imprint an image upon an overwhelmed Bachelor's harried brain. These are the notable first-impression strategies employed by last night's contestants:
- planned awkward silence
- handshake
- territorial marking with lipstick
- subsequent removal of lipstick marking
- football-based ass-appraisal subterfuge
- failed gymnastics display
- presentation of a lace doily
- odometer reading: 2,275 miles
- had one arm
- threat of Mob violence by connected family
- presentation of a finger-tattoo
- eye-contact handjob
- cruise ship entertainment sampler
- forgetting one's name
- implied promise of reenactment of scenes from wildly popular mommy-porn novel
- speaking in tongues (no snakes per union rules)
- ice-sculpture fabrication of wedding cake-top bride and groom
- self-immolation (botched)
- self-immolation (copycat, successful)
- extinguishing of self-immolator by quick-thinking contestant whose "entrance hook" was coincidentally "sexy firewoman"
- speed-seduction of future ex-husband Chris Harrison (off-camera)
- clown shoes
- dramatic escape from Trojan horse full of rose petals and champagne
- wearing a wedding dress
Newcastle = Anna Smith
Not sure how that makes me feel.
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Today's Photo:
Butterbeer from Hot Cakes
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