June 13, 2011
The last few days of school, I meet with kids individually to talk about the year.
Sometimes we talk about how they progressed this year. Sometimes we talk about their plans for the future which amaze me ("I want to be a neurosurgeon... or a pilot.").
Sometimes we talk about college and I tend to offer more advice than they probably wanted ("Seriously, having a car as a freshman will make you SO popular.").
The process restores some of my faith in the youth of America.
But the kids deserve something bigger.
These are the kinds of things kids should hear at the end of school:
Conan O'Brien at Dartmouth
Amy Pohler at Harvard College Class Day
Ali G at Harvard
Fred Armisen at Oregon Episcopal High School
Remember that there's no one way of doing things. You know how when you unscrew something it's 'righty tighty, lefty loosey'? If you just get a hammer and hit it really hard, whatever it is, I guarantee you it'll open.
No music is better than the music that you grew up on. Try to remember all the bands' names and all the band members' names, and that's gonna help you in the future when you play trivia games.
Patton Oswalt at Broad Run High School
First off, I want to thank the teachers and faculty of Broad Run High School for first considering and then inviting me to speak here. It was flattering, I am touched and humbled, and you have made a grave mistake.
I’m being paid for this, right? Oh, wait, there’s some advice, right off the bat – always get paid. If you make enough money in this world you can smoke pot all day and have people killed.
I’m sorry, that was irresponsible.
You shouldn’t have people killed.
Boom! Marijuana endorsement eleven seconds into my speech! Too late to cancel me now!
Amy Poehler's advice as a Bostonian comments: Classic!
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